


Things Unsaid

by Canthre



Series: Saint Seiya works [2]
Category: Saint Seiya
Genre: Gen, I've never realized how much feels I have for poor Kiki, it seems I can only write angst for Saint Seiya, look another angsty fic, some other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 17:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6967450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canthre/pseuds/Canthre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>... are better left unspoken? But grief can choke and tear and crush. In the end it can even destroy you. But if you look for the light you can often find it, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Saint Seiya SeSa 2015. 
> 
> All quotes come from _A Christmas Carol_ by Charles Dickens.

The sound of hammering echoed through the Temple of Aries, and carried up the holy hill. Weather was dreadful, especially considering the winter season. It seemed as if nature decided to compensate for the awfully dreadful summer. The heat and drought had been unbearable back then, even for Greece’s climate. The Sanctuary was short of crops this year. But, then… Sanctuary was short of many things this year. 

Kiki wiped the sweat trailing down his forehead and judged his work. It wasn’t all that bad, he thought. He definitely got rid of the worst of dents, and as for the scratches… Hm, what to do with them… The problem was that he wasn’t quite sure how to measure the stardust with other ingredients. Kiki was _almost_ sure he heard the correct recipe, but he’d swear it was the recipe for repairing Bronze Cloths. And this was a Silver Cloth… no, wait, was it? The boy exhaled loudly and slumped in his seat. The metal of the Cloth before him glittered in bright morning light. Outside the claw-like scratches it looked perfect, but Kiki already knew he was going to screw up this one. A Silver Cloth like this was too hard to polish like a Bronze one… And of course, this meant he had to use a different material… He raked a hand through his sweaty hair and sighed once more; there was no way he’d finish his work feeling this exhausted and slowly rebellion rose in his heart. He didn’t have to do this…! Oh, who was he fooling? Of course he had to. The constant heat, such a contrast with Jamir’s chilly weather, was getting on to him. The Cloth glittered again and Kiki would swear it was laughing at him. In an instant he sprang to his feet and kicked the damned thing out of the way. The metal clattered loudly on the marble, leaving an unpleasant sound ringing in his ears. Kiki knew what this meant – the Cloth had impurities somewhere in its vast structure. The boy could almost see them on good days. On bad days, well… He slumped on the floor, already feeling tired. 

Truth was, Kiki didn’t want to do this stuff. Technically, he didn’t have to, right? Right? But if he resigned, who would? Thoughts like those haunted Kiki since summer. With a steely resolve he pressed forward, but right then – with sun shining brightly and a delicate breeze passing through the Temple, and this damned Cloth (how did this idiot Saint damage it so? How?) – Kiki felt truly tired. _Disinterested_. With a heavy heart and aching head the boy headed outwards. He looked around, blinking in the sunlight, and decided the land looked disinteresting, too. Whiteness dominated the Sanctuary. White marble and light sandstone, and lots of dried sand. Even the people looked bland, dressed in sun-bleached clothes which blended into the background. In Jamir the land seemed sharp. Lots of greens and lots of white snow. Kiki decided right then and there that he missed snow. He missed the cool winds that every day attacked the lonely tower he called home. He missed his training. With his small form slightly shaking he decided he missed his life.

Discarding any thoughts of work or practice Kiki decided to visit the kitchens. Shaina used to hang around them lately, helping alongside Marin with Sanctuary’s still half-empty staff. Maybe he’d be able to snatch a sandwich or maybe even a piece of some pie, he mused. And then maybe he could find Al… _Shaina_ , yes, or maybe Jabu, and train a little. Everybody said he’s grown mature lately and deserved some advanced lessons. A little exercise would be great, Kiki thought, walking slowly. And Shaina was always very nice to him, not treating him like a child. By the time he reached the bottom of the stairs Kiki was pretty sure that- 

‘No, no, leave the fir branches here, we’ll use them to decorate the Sanctuary!’ 

Or maybe this day could, indeed, get worse. Kiki froze in mid-step, taking in the view before him. At once he wanted to head back but that would be… cowardly, right? And Kiki wasn’t a coward. And he really wanted to get to the kitchens, since he had no time for breakfast. And he could face any challenge. 

Besides, since when meeting with friends was a challenge? Kiki sighed and stepped forward, coming closer to the chaos that was spreading at the bottom of the sacred hill. 

‘Do we have basil? I hope they haven’t forgotten about it…’ 

‘It’s here alright,’ a muffled voice came from under a pile of what looked like some conifer branches. ‘They’ve send a lot of it. Quite a lot, I’d say.’ Hyoga crawled from the pile with hair full of needles. 

‘Did they send the tree, though?’ 

‘The tree is here,’ said someone to the right, from behind a pillar. ‘And just as big as you asked.’ 

‘Alright. What about-‘ 

‘It’s here. Everything is here,’ a third voice interrupted. Seiya came with a pile of boxes, their content delicately tinkling. 

Saori Kido, the mistress of the Sanctuary as of the last year, sighed with satisfaction and checked something on her list. ‘Well, then, we’re ready. Just be careful with those trinkets, Seiya. They’re rather fragile.’ 

‘Maybe you should give them to somebody else,’ Hyoga suggested with a sly smile. ‘We wouldn’t want to end with bare tree and branches, after all.’ 

‘Hey!’ 

‘Well, Hyoga’s right,’ said Shiryu flicking needles from his shirt. ‘You’ll take care of the tree. That one is a bit less delicate.’ 

Seiya was scowling pretty intensely by the time Shiryu, all stony faced, came to pat him on the shoulder. ‘Really, Seiya, that may be a good idea,’ said Saori. ‘Shiryu, could you take the boxes up the hill?’ 

‘Of course,’ said Shiryu, and looked up on the stairs. Kiki flinched, realizing he was staring at the group, but Shiryu only smiled at him. ‘It looks I may have a little assistant, as well,’ he added softly. Kiki ran down the last steps and stood straight before his friend. ‘So, are you willing to help me?’ 

‘Sure I am!’ declared the boy, carefully avoiding looking anywhere else but on Shiryu. ‘You can all count on me.’ 

‘We know we can,’ Shiryu chuckled, but a figure pushed itself in front of Kiki right then. The boy tensed a little when he noticed Seiya, but the older boy simply smiled at him and said, ‘Well, if you gained such a good helper then I think I can give this cargo to you.’ He placed a few boxes in Kiki’s outstretched hands. ‘But I trust you more, so keep a good eye on Shiryu with those,’ he added with w wink. Shiryu shook his head at this and took the rest of the boxes. 

‘Let’s go, Kiki,’ said Shiryu. ‘Away from this madness.’ Kiki heartily agreed with this. He was ready to turn around and run up the stairs when a voice halted them. 

‘Kiki, would you like to join us in the evening?’ asked Saori from behind them. Kiki froze. He could hear her coming up to him and Shiryu. ‘We’ll be watching a movie you might like. I’m pretty sure we’ll be all very happy if you came as well,’ she added and ruffled Kiki’s hair from behind. All of the friends grunted agreements. 

Kiki felt something strange inside. Something ready to snap. Strangely, at the same time he felt even more tired. With thoughts in frenzy he finally muttered, ‘Sure, I’ll come.’ 

Because that was necessary. What else could he had said? The boy hoped everybody thought his voice was muffled by the boxes he was carrying. Before anything else could happen Shiryu took the stairs up with a simple ‘Bye’. Kiki ran after him, relaxing only when the voices of the group faded in the distance. 

‘Kiki?’ Shiryu’s voice startled him, but he found the Bronze Saint’s presence a comforting one. 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘It’ll be nice to have you around.’ Shiryu paused and added after a moment, ‘I was wondering if you’re not a bit bored around Sanctuary nowadays. Maybe you’ll like to come with me to Rozan after Christmas?’ 

‘Christmas?’ Kiki asked, surprised. Then he reassessed everything he saw at the bottom of the stairs. ‘You’re making Christmas in Sanctuary?’ The boy felt interested for the first time in a while. 

‘Mhm. There’ll be a lot of sweets, too,’ said Shiryu, and Kiki could feel the smile in his voice. Kiki grinned and readjusted the boxes in his arms. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad day, despite… everything. 

‘Kiki?’ once again, Shiryu startled him. 

‘Yeah?’

Silence, hesitating. 

‘Don’t be too hard on yourself.’

*

_‘SPIRIT.’ SAID SCROOGE IN A BROKEN VOICE,’ REMOVE ME FROM THIS PLACE.’ ‘I TOLD YOU THESE WERE SHADOWS OF THE THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN,’ SAID THE GHOST. ‘THAT THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE, DO NOT BLAME ME.’_

_Kiki could only hope he won’t be put into blame. He got a bit carried away, true, but he is coming back home now! And he wasn’t just playing around, he was practicing. Master always says that practice is Kiki’s most important chore. Still, Kiki is feeling a bit nervous nearing the white tower._

_It turns out that the tower is empty, though. Kiki is a bit disappointed but not surprised. Master Mu sometimes has to go to a place far away – one day, Kiki will go there, too! – and doesn’t come back for a day or two. But that’s not a problem, because he leaves with the kitchen full of food and a list of chores for his apprentice, so Kiki doesn’t slack. It is the way the world works._

Where’s dinner? _The little boy thinks, rummaging through the kitchen. And a list? The house seemed abandoned for a while, as if all life was drained out of it. Kiki felt as if he ate something really cold._ Where did Master go? _He isn’t a little child anymore, but he can feel tears threatening to fall._

_Before the boy can panic anymore his guardian appears in the entrance. His Master, a Gold Saint, has a delicate and gentle face, and to Kiki he is a whole world. Right now he can’t really notice his protégé, as his arms are full of strange packages. Kiki notices that he is even carrying something like fir branches! With a sigh he puts his baggage down. He smiles broadly when he notices Kiki and suddenly extends his arms. The boy springs at his Master immediately._

_‘Where were you?’ the boy demands immediately._

_‘Doing some errands,’ his Master says. He flicks Kiki’s nose with affection. ‘You’ll see soon.’_

Memories came unwanted and probably unneeded. Glancing at the starry sky Kiki decided that was probably inevitable. That was the first time he had Christmas in his life. There was something akin to Christmas tree, and lots of sweets, and some stories – to be honest he felt asleep pretty soon in the evening that day, but he was so small back then! – and presents. Kiki was told then that for many Christmas is a sacred day, actually, but many people celebrated it just for fun and it’s prime message of Love. 

Kiki stopped just before the Temple of Aries. The day was nice, after all, he thought, chewing on another candy. Decorating was fun and there was so much sweets! Miss Saori invited him for dinner the next day and Kiki decided he’ll go, despite it all. This evening he hanged around Shiryu and Shaina a lot. Sometimes he thought that Shaina was feeling as nervous as he was around all the others, but how could that be? Shaina was too aloof to be bothered but such trivialities. And Shiryu… well, Shiryu was Kiki’s best friend. Even though Kiki didn’t feel very _friendly_ as of late. 

The boy plopped down on a last step and searched for Aries above him. Ah, there it was, high in the northern sky. It was a beautiful night and the stars shone brightly. When Kiki was younger he believed the stars were his protectors, that as long as he could see them nothing bad could happen to him. He was taught that it was indeed so… Suddenly, Kiki frowned. He wasn’t a child anymore, and this seemed like a child story now.

*

_THE SKY WAS GLOOMY, AND THE SHORTEST STREETS WERE CHOKED UP WITH A DINGY MIST, HALF THAWED, HALF FROZEN, WHOSE HEAVIER PARTICLES DESCENDED IN SHOWER OF SOOTY ATOMS, AS IF ALL THE CHIMNEYS IN GREAT BRITAIN HAD, BY ONE CONSENT, CAUGHT FIRE, AND WERE BLAZING AWAY TO THEIR DEAR HEARTS’ CONTENT. THERE WAS NOTHING VERY CHEERFUL IN THE CLIMATE OR THE TOWN, AND YET WAS THERE AN AIR OF CHEERFULNESS ABROAD THAT THE CLEAREST SUMMER AIR AND BRIGHTEST SUMMER SUN MIGHT HAVE ENDEAVOURED TO DIFFUSE IN VAIN._

It was a shock that Neelam came back to Sanctuary. Kiki thought that she wasn’t going to as she never was all that fond of Athena. Still, it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe, Kiki mused, it was part of Christmas magic. Yesterday, when watching the movie Hyoga told him that Christmas was a time of love and miracles. The boy could count a few miracles this morning: the weather became chillier, he finished repairing the Silver Cloth, and Neelam was back at Sanctuary. 

Neelam used to be one of Shaka’s apprentices. She was never a candidate for a Saint – however, Kiki wasn’t sure whether this was because she couldn’t apply or if she didn’t want to. She came from India, just like most of Shaka’s students did, and stayed with him the longest. Kiki often heard from everyone that without her diplomatic organization of the Temple of Virgo the life of her colleagues would most probably end, and soon. Neelam was like steel covered in silk and carried an air of bright insight. To Kiki she was an anchor to the world that was. 

Kiki left as soon as he could and went up to the Temple of Virgo. For the past months it was abandoned, with most students gone. But now, standing in the entrance, he could hear voices inside. The statues that Shaka kept outside his Temple were long gone, just like it’s everyday life, and on bad days it had looked almost alien to Kiki. Right then when he stepped inside it’s cool interior the boy already felt as if he came back home. Distant voices spoke in Hindi, and a faint smell of incense carried in the air. 

‘Hello?’ he tried carefully. The students usually meditated in the side garden at that time of the day. Was Neelam there? Kiki turned right and went through the pillars searching for the garden door. He found them half opened and the sound of voices was stronger there. 

‘Hello? Neelam?’ he tried again, looking through the door. The boy could make out the words then and realized they were chanting a prayer. 

Kiki stepped into the garden, and two people came into his view – Neelam and… a boy? Indeed, a tanned youth sat beside the acolyte and the two prayed together. Around them a dozen of _diyas_ were lighted upon a the stairs and grounds. Kiki sat on the first step and looked at the Sala trees in the distance. It wasn’t a cheerful view – it reminded too much of death. During the autumn he had sometimes come there to watch the trees lose their flowers. The boy shivered at the thought. 

The mantra came to an end and Neelam turned to him, folding her bright saree around her arms. 

‘Hello, Kiki,’ she said with a melodious tone and called him down with a wave of a hand. 

‘How is your training going?’ Neelam asked as Kiki knelt in front of her. The boy winced a little, missing a sudden gleam in woman’s eyes. 

‘It’s not bad,’ Kiki said. ‘I missed you.’ He admitted looking her in the eyes. Soft smile appeared on Neelam’s face. 

‘So did I,’ she said gravely. ‘I even missed this place,’ she continued after a while. ‘It was a foreign country when I first arrived, full of strange, foreign people. But I found much love here.’ 

‘But Shaka is gone now,’ Kiki added. He tried his best not to sound tearful. 

Neelam glanced at the little boy before her. 

‘Shaka is gone, and I grieved for him. I found much wisdom under his eye, and hoped to find more.’ Neelam smiled and ruffled Kiki’s hair fondly. ‘But I found love with many people. And now I’m on a path to find even more wisdom on my own.’ She nudged the boy at her side. 

Kiki looked at the other boy. The boy looked at Kiki. He had mismatched eyes. 

‘This is Fudou,’ Neelam introduced her companion. ‘Once he was Shaka’s as well. Now he is mine, back in this foreign land to learn. Maybe,’ she paused. ‘Maybe he could learn at your side.’ 

Kiki blinked, a bit uncertain. For a moment Fudou looked as if he wanted to say something, but a carefully placed glance from Neelam stopped him. Kiki braced himself and extended his hand towards a new companion. Fudou took it, still waiting for Kiki to begin. 

‘It’s nice to meet you,’ said Kiki. ‘I hope we’ll get along great.’ 

‘Likewise,’ agreed Fudou. 

Neelam smiled and left the boys to their own.

*

_WILL YOU DECIDE WHAT MEN SHALL LIVE, WHAT MEN SHALL DIE. IT MAY BE, THAT IN THE SIGHT OF HEAVEN, YOU ARE MORE WORTHLESS AND LESS FIT TO LIVE THAN MILLIONS LIKE THIS POOR MAN’S CHILD. OH GOD. TO HEAR THE INSECT ON THE LEAF PRONOUNCING ON THE TOO MUCH LIFE AMONG HIS HUNGRY BROTHERS IN THE DUST._

‘It is said,’ started Neelam. ‘That a smith has to be focused, determined and composed. For if he overheats the metal he works with, or examines it too often, he’ll never reach true mastery. Neither his mind, nor his work would show true brilliance.’ 

‘I get it,’ Kiki muttered. Neelam had come this evening to examine his work and stayed to help him later on. She praised his work with polishing of metals, but frowned upon his lack of thought, as she called it. Kiki was wondering if he could… if he could tell her that he was feeling lonely and that he wanted to do _something_ , but he didn’t know what. 

‘Do you remember your birthday wreaths, Kiki?’ Neelam asked suddenly. ‘You were making them for everybody once.’ When Kiki nodded she continued. ‘When you realized it was something we were expecting of you, you moved on, for horizons never satisfied you. Yours is a creative spirit, Kiki.’ 

‘I want to be creative!’ Kiki exclaimed. He sprang up, ready to break something or kick somebody, the urge to do scream bubbling in him. ‘I can’t to do it right! It’s not working!’ 

‘Kiki,’ Neelam said gently. 

‘I, I, I just don’t know what’s going on anymore,’ Kiki suddenly realized that tears were streaming down his cheeks. His voice came out choked when he said, ‘I want to go home.’ 

Neelam’s soft hand wiped his cheeks. Through the tears he could see her face like an island of warmth in the ocean of coldness that ruled him through the past months. Silver beads in her shawl tinkled quietly as she moved to embrace the boy. Her scent, a familiar mix of strong tea, incense and spices eventually calmed Kiki down enough for him to stop sniffling. 

‘Forgive me that I couldn't come sooner,’ she said stroking his hair comfortingly. ‘Yet you can’t keep it in yourself forever, Kiki. Grief can choke us when we’re not careful. And even though nobody is truly a lonely island, even though everything that happens to us affects us, only we can decide who we truly are.’ 

‘I don’t know who I am,’ Kiki said without raising his head from her chest. His embrace was tight, as if he was afraid she was going to disappear, too. 

‘So you have to find out anew. Sometime in the future maybe you’ll have to do it again, and again,’ Neelam said. ‘Remember this, Kiki, you’re not alone.’ 

‘Who would stay here?’ 

‘I am here, Kiki. And I shall stay. And Fudou will stay, too, if you’re willing to work on a new path with a new face.’ Kiki smiled at this thought. He had talked a lot with Fudou before he left the Temple of Virgo and something melted in Kiki's heart at the memory of this. 

‘I want to go home,’ he repeated, hoping Neelam would understand.

‘I know. We all do.’ 

Later that evening they all went up the hill to the main Temple. For a second time Kiki was reminded of that day long ago in Jamir, when he still was happy. Smells of cinnamon and fir mixed so easily with Neelam’s Indian perfumes, and even Fudou was there to help him decorate small gingerbread people with sweet icing. Shiryu sat with them and told them stories of how many times Seiya had fallen from the ladder while trying to attach colorful chains around the higher pillars. The main Temple was enormously changed – full of light and color, and wonderful smell. It should clash, Kiki thought, Christmas songs playing in the background and Neelam composing a mandala on a side bench, humming a Diwali mantra under her breath. She even lighted a _diya_ next to her. But somehow it only made Kiki feel better – no matter where he looked, he saw light. 

‘Neelam?’ Kiki asked after dinner, when world around him appeared just a tad bit brighter than it did before and the angry demon inside him paled. 

‘Hm?’ 

‘I was so tired lately that I couldn’t work right. That’s probably why my work wasn’t too good.’

‘You did no wrong by being tired, Kiki. You did no wrong by being angry,’ Neelam said. She glanced up above Kiki’s head and noticed the girl standing close by as if wanting to join them. But Neelam and Saori’s eyes met for a moment and suddenly Neelam realized Saori was going to wait, and that she was going to wait for the moment Kiki was ready. ‘And there is nothing wrong in letting go, as well. But only you can decide when. Only you can decide what you will let go, Kiki. Only you can decide where your place is, but know that I shall support you no matter your decision.’ 

‘But where can I go now?’ 

‘You could go to your tower in Jamir,’ she said, and continued even when Kiki flinched. ‘You cannot avoid it forever. Our past may cast long shadows, but our future lays ahead us. It is not wrong to let go. If it was, how could we exist, locked forever in the cold shadows of grief?’ 

Behind the boy’s back Saori wasn’t standing in shadows, but in bright light of this strange evening she organized for the people she cared about. In the end, she was a girl like any other, probably afraid and uncertain, Neelam mused, but she knew when the only answer was patience. Patience and love.

*

_FOR HE WAS WISE ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED ON THIS GLOBE, FOR GOOD, AT WHICH SOME PEOPLE DID NOT HAVE THEIR FILL OF LAUGHTER IN THE OUTSET; AND KNOWING THAT SUCH AS THESE WOULD BE BLIND ANYWAY, HE THOUGHT IT QUITE AS WELL THAT THEY SHOULD WRINKLE UP THEIR EYES IN GRINS, AS HAVE THE MALADY IN LESS ATTRACTIVE FORMS. HIS OWN HEART LAUGHED: AND THAT WAS QUITE ENOUGH FOR HIM._

When Kiki awoke on the twenty fifth of December he found the Temple of Aries covered in snow. Maybe it was another Christmas miracle. 

Many thoughts passed his mind as he lay in his bed. He remembered Neelam working on flowers in twin Salas garden, and Neelam gently correcting his stances. He remembered Saori, a strange girl in a world that didn’t fit her and she didn’t know, and the woman who knelt in front of him at yesterday’s dinner and hugged him. He remembered her strong voice when she spoke as Athena, and for the first time in long months he _thought_ of her as Athena. As a leader. 

Kiki watched the first rays of sun fill his room, and imagined his future. His future, going forward, not backwards. Kiki still wasn’t sure what he exactly wanted to do. Did he want to learn the ways of a blacksmith because it was what his Master did? Did he want to abandon this way because of this very reason? At once he realized both were wrong, because there was only him. Him, and the friends around him, all people that will shape his future. That’s how it should be, no matter how unjust it looked. 

Finally, he remembered Mu and his kind heart that was a whole world to Kiki. His Master once told him that Christmas was a time of love and peace and hope. Kiki thought about snow covering the land and felt as if he was waking from a long winter.


End file.
